After much deliberation, I've decided to make all of my past journal entries private. I haven't written anything of substance in it for many years anyway. In a way, my desire to journal died when Karen did. It was something the two of us did together and it never felt quite right doing it without her. I am now on FaceBook and communicate with quite a few of my old LJ friends there. If we're not currently friends on FB and you'd like to be, comment on this entry and I will send you my information. Any comments here will be screened and remain private.

Thanks for the great memories. I enjoyed the ride. But it is time to reign in the past and start looking towards the future.

Dexter 412 - The Getaway - Icons

http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2009/12/20/breaking-habit/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=breaking-habit

http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=5638

For the past nine months I’ve been very very very stressed. I tried to talk around that while still letting you know how bad it all was. Now it’s not bad because this new job is more flexible and I even took on a couple of freelance assignments (I know! Even with the holidays!) without feeling like I was going to lose my mind. It’s not the amount of work so much as the way I like to structure things versus how things had to be structured.

I’m a workaholic but I also do a lot of my working when I’m wandering around doing something else. I get my best ideas and do my best planning when my hands are busy doing something totally unrelated to my job. I absolutely identify with this quote by Agatha Christie, which crops up on my sidebar thanks to my random quote plugin: “The best time for planning a book is when you’re doing the dishes.”

Of course this isn’t really how most jobs are set up and there are very few of us who can leave the house and sit at the park during work hours and do that in-your-head work sitting on a bench and watching the clouds scud across the sky. It’s a shame, too, because I think plenty of people would be much more effective if they had more freedom.

Anyway. It’s unfamiliar not feel trapped and hemmed in. I know it’s just been three weeks and that’s not much time to reset my internal panic button and also that there could be hidden terrors at my new job but so far it feels very at-home to me since it’s an awful lot like other freelance/contract jobs where perhaps you might find your supervisor also google chatting at midnight and there’s no such thing as a lunch hour.

The habit I’m trying to break is the deep sadness and frustration that I’ve been living under up until now. I really can’t explain to you how bad it was because now that I’m done, I can’t remember why it was so intolerable. But my eye has quit twitching for the first time since September and suddenly it seems like I have enough time for everything if not today then this week and if not this week then next. I used to wake up every morning and wish it was time to go back to bed because my day looked impossible and now I’m waking up early excited about my day.

When I was writing that post about a change I needed to make, I was talking about trying to find an anchor client so I could get back to freelancing. I just didn’t know how to do it because I had no time to look. And of course, I felt horribly horribly guilty because the economy, she sucks and how I could I be so ungrateful? And what was wrong with me that I couldn’t just suck it up? Why was I so depressed when I was working with great people and doing worthy work? And oh lord, I was depressed. I felt like a failure (failing my kids, failing my friends and failing at freelancing — ugh) and I couldn’t see how to get out of it, which is of course how depressed people feel. I fought it, mind you. I fought hard and I considered meds even though I knew that medication is a poor answer for situational depression but I didn’t feel like I had any right to be so unhappy and that maybe I was just being spoiled and whiny. So what if I didn’t have time or the emotional energy to write? Isn’t scrambling to the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs just a selfish, privileged idea? Do you think Caroline Ingalls sat around bitching because she was churning butter instead of writing novels? (That second link goes to Louisa Mae Alcott’s wikipedia page. Isn’t it a little strange to think of them as contemporaries? When I was a kid I thought the Little House books happened before Little Women.)

Oh I ran myself through the wringer.

I talked to my dad about it because he’s worked for other people and he’s worked for himself and even when he worked for other people, he did his best work when he was given lots of autonomy and he made me feel better because we all thrive under different circumstances and that’s just how it. Take Brett, for example. My darling, lovely husband enjoys a job where he has someone to report to and clear instructions and lots of feedback and where his day is more or less predictable. Basically, everything I hate in a job is sweet nectar for him and my ideal job (ups and downs, new things to learn every time you turn around, lots of pressure and responsibility) would be an anathema to him.

I don’t know why I struggle with guilt when I’m not happy in situations that would have other people kicking up their heels. I guess I worry that I’m not grateful enough but I’ll tell you now that I am very very very grateful for my old job and was when I had it. I know I go on and on about the people but I adore them and I was always grateful for their friendship and happy to spend time with them. I will miss the long road trips a lot. I was also happy to learn the things I learned there and most especially the chance to get more familiar with Ohio — a state of which I am much more fond than I was when I took the job last February. And of course I appreciate the fact that my paychecks there arrived on time and without a hitch (the freelancers among you know what a lovely little miracle that is)! So you know, I was always grateful; I just wasn’t happy.

Again I will say that the older I get the more I understand that to be happy, I need time with the people I love and I need time alone to write. If I don’t have time for those two things, I will start to sink because when it comes right down to it, if I’d been Caroline Ingalls, I would have told Pa to go stuff himself and high-tailed it back to the city with my kids in tow. What can I say; it’s who I am.

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this woman's work, 2009. | Permalink | 3 comments so far | Come on by and comment!
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~ meme that's been making the block

Jan - It's very quiet in our house lately.

Feb - Open your Paint program. Close your eyes. Draw a cat!

Mar - Yes, THAT movie.

Apr - I can cry at the drop of a hat today.

May - I'm so very tired of being so stupid with maps and directions.

Jun - I've worked my frustrations out in the earth today, and I will sleep well tonight because of it.

Jul - Remember when my iTunes directory went kaput a few months back?

Aug - We're finally back!

Sep - We can't find Vanilla Coke™ anywhere lately, and after several weeks of looking, I was frustrated!

Oct - Normally, I love Hallmark.

Nov - I have been working, working, working, and working some more lately - craziness!

Dec - We're officially homeless now!

And it came to pass in the city of Chicago...

• 06:35 The Marion CSA's Chistmas show is this weekend, and unfortunately I'm not there to see it. I'm going to have to get a video if possible! #
• 08:03 Confession: I watch the dog shows on Animal Planet almost every Saturday morning at 'o-dark-thirty... This time the Giant Schnauser won! #
• 08:07 I found out yesterday my property in Marion has been trashed. Water pipes burst because prop mgr didn't empty lines as requested. *cries* #
• 14:29 I got myself a pair of reading glasses from Dollar Tree today - what can I say, I want to be able to clip the baby's nails accurately! #

This post brought to you by the letter "Q", the number "8", LoudTwitter and the contributions of viewers like you!

We received more cards today, including ones from hetterrific and flyingwolf - thank you both!

Today felt mostly lazy on my part. You see, since our household goods are not here yet, we have no washer & dryer. It had been a week since we did laundry on our last night in the TLF, and we all were down to having no clean pants. The boys and I bluffed the day away in our PJs, while Philip headed out to the base laundromat, only to find it empty. He also had to take money out of an ATM, but then find a nice store that was willing to give him a couple rolls of quarters. Once he had the laundry washing at a laundromat downtown, he headed over to Napa AutoParts for a new oil cap for his truck. Then back to switch the laundry to the dryers, and then out to pick-up the BIG. NEW. TV!

Meanwhile, the boys played and watched a few videos here at the house, and I unpacked the cleaning supplies. It was the last box of stuff we'd brought with us in our U-Haul trailer, and I wanted to find my cleaners so that I could give my red kitchen trashcan a good scrubbing (we used it to haul items during the move, too). I made lunch for myself and the boys, and then I set about destroying fixing my computer.

I bought and installed new security protection, but in doing so, I then had to make sure that I had all the Windows Updates I needed. I didn't, and that took a couple HOURS to do - ugh. But now everything is running smoothly, and I'll have it do a deep scan tonight while I'm snoozing.

I also paid all the mid-month bills, paying a handful of them way, way ahead, too. I love the feeling that comes from sending $800 to a bill instead of the $100 it asks for. We are so blessed to have come so far in our finances, and I'm thankful every day for that. Also, I discovered a mistake on the Air Force finance side of things... I'm sure no one who is/has been military is shocked by that one. It always happens. Philip will go to Finance on Monday and let them know what we've found. Until then, we've moved the $1888 error to a side savings account so that we'll have it to pull from when the military then sharply deducts it from Philip's pay in the future. Wouldn't it be lovely if Finance could ever get anything right the first time?!

I took an evening bath/shower, and then we all headed out to dinner at Alaska Alder Grill. (I've just looked, and I can't believe they don't have a website!) It was very reminiscent of our times at Alaska Wild Berry, except that it was a food place, not just a chocolatier. Among the store area, we looked at a huge buffalo, a white ram, a cougar, a hyena, a wolf, and many deer heads. I loved all the beautiful wood carvings and stone pottery. It was a neat experience.

Now we're home, and the boys are headed to bed. I've culled the receipts that stacked up everywhere during these last two weeks of moving, and I feel much better about the state of things now. I still need to get my holiday cards in order, and I need to pick out a "Card Wall" here and get it going... :-)

Dexter Season Two COMPLETE BluRay Quality
15,841 caps
1280x720
See caps here...

I'm at my wit's end with sticking to a running routine and am thinking about doing the unthinkable: buying a running gadget. The kind that tells you how far you've gone, etc. Which gadget do you recommend or not recommend? Be specific (and think inexpensive)!


Edit: Just realized Todd has an iPod nano buried in a box somewhere. Assuming it still works, I'll probably get the Nike + iPod Sports Kit. I'm not into Nike, but this seems to be the cheapest option at about $30. Please advise.

Dexter 411 - Hello, Dexter Morgan - Icons

Our new TV has arrived at the store! Philip is on his way to pick it up right now, and we are SO EXCITED!

If ever there were to be an image to signify my life, this would be it:



Thanks, Auntie Gretchen!

This thing is still here?

• 14:03 Found this while cleaning out my office at work. Still makes me so sad. twitpic.com/u1tb9 #
• 15:30 At Montessori for q's interview. Hope it goes well. #
• 16:56 Jude's first high chair twitpic.com/u2mpz #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

Yes, I *AM* this lazy

And it came to pass in the city of Chicago...

• 17:54 Baby Dave had an appointment with the neurologist this morning. Everything looks just fine! #

This post brought to you by the letter "Q", the number "8", LoudTwitter and the contributions of viewers like you!

Whew, I'm beat!

Philip and I began the day earlier today than we have all week, and I'm bushed tonight to show for it! We had decided today would be the day to finish up the Christmas shopping, as he will begin working here on Monday, and it was best to take advantage of the full day with the boys in school. So, we dropped them off at 9, and then we were on our way into town!

We did all of the rest of our holiday shopping VERY early this year, knowing that the confusion of moving would put things into a tailspin. I'm so very thankful for that, as it's been a comfort to only have the boys left to shop for. We bought everything, I wrapped it all, and then I shipped it to everyone via UPS waaaaaaaay back on Nov. 7th... I think if those folks haven't received their packages by now, it's safe to call them lost. ;-)

For the boys this year, we had decided on one thing: A.J.'s gift would be easy, and Jack's would take a bit more searching. We purposely did no shopping for them ahead of time because we didn't want the movers to pack any gifts, and we had no spare room in our vehicles for packages, either. See, we've had things stolen from each move, and I figure a wrapped holiday present is just *TOO* much temptation, ya know?

I cannot WAIT for Christmas morning, as I'm so excited to see A.J. open his gift. He has a small handful of gifts, as well as his Christmas stocking, but that's because his main gift will be...

... his very own netbook!

Not just his own computer, but he's receiving his own mini-laptop! His mini comes with Windows 7, and I'm so geeked to set him up with his own email account. I've got a pocket full of addresses from several of his gal pals back in Nebraska to set him up with, too (they all made sure to give me their emails on the night of his band concert, and it was so sweet to see their *goo-goo* eyes). I just know he will have so much fun with his new computer. And probably the best news of all - he won't have to share it AT ALL. We're going to set a very strict rule: it is A.J.'s computer, and A.J.'s only.

That may sound harsh, but the reality is that my boys have to share practically everything. It's been this way since Jack was born, and I think that lately, it's really starting to affect A.J. how he never has his "own" things, and he really gets very little personal space from Jack. Sure, he can go to his room for alone time, but he still ought to be able to have some things that are his alone, and this will be one of them. I know he will be stoked, and we'll have to work with him on not gloating, even just a little.

As for Jack, he'll still have use of the secondary computer. It is on a LAN with mine, and it's what the boys currently use on a desk in A.J.'s room (which takes even further from A.J.'s personal space, but that's where it fit in our old house). Here, we'll either set up a smaller desk in the office with our computer, or we'll put one in our large dining room. Either way, A.J. will be free to use his bedroom desk for just his own computer.

So we were shopping today mainly for Jack, as well as for stocking stuffers. Along the way, I ended up with a new wardrobe. Now, I hate shopping for myself, but I badly needed to, and Philip insisted. In fact, Philip was encouraging me to "just get it, honey" with almost every single item I picked up all day. As a result, I came home with a LOT of goodies. I kept saying, "But what about you?" He just insists that he's got something in mind, so don't worry about it.

Hmmm...

So the shopping is finally complete, and I have a ton of wrapping still ahead of me for next Monday and Tuesday while the boys are in their last days of school before holiday break. Right now, all the packages and items are hiding in the cabinets in the basement. See? I'm using them already! ;-)

In addition, we returned home to two large packages of Christmas gifts from our family, as well as a host of cards. These included ones from happysmiles01 and adiasplat. Thank you!

I saw this being discussed by the Chinese Dexter fans, and thought it would be an interesting question.

Poll #1500832 Not that I seriously *want* them to, but....
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 110

Which TV team can catch Dexter?

Happy birthday, Dad.

To lighten the mood among us, I decided to post a couple of Dexter coins! YAY!

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